RUOK- “Aussie men talk about their feelings – that’s a good thing for them and their families”.

Are you OK? It’s a question that is so simple but is often so difficult to say. If I think deeply about the resistance surrounding this phrase it becomes clear to me that the question is almost always a direct reaction to something that is seen within the face of anther person. Some thing we see compels us to ask and poke our nose into the private world of someone else who is suffering on some level such that we can see it!

If I see someone and that someone looks distressed, distant, anxious or fearful I will pick up on that body language and sometimes ask the question. I do this knowing that I may get the brush off but at times I don’t. When I don’t get the brush off from the question Are you ok? (My interpretation is usually ..Is everything ok?) I sort of brace myself for what’s to come.

I know that often being asked the question R U OK ?  is the first time the person has had to address whatever is troubling them, or perhaps it is the first time the person has been challenged to admit that something really is troubling them, or perhaps it is the first time they have felt a genuine interest and a moment of trust that allows them to reveal whatever it is that is troubling them.

Regardless of the reasons for the question the direct communication itself is a life line for so many.  For me it has helped me get through tough days when loaded down with little children and the responsibility of juggling all the balls was overwhelming me and no-one in my immediate world seemed to see my state of confusion, trouble or exhaustion.

Usually, it’s someone slightly removed from my inner circle that asks the question and I’ve found that the courage of that question has on a given day helped me get through a tough time. In addition many good and ongoing friendships have started from a known but sort of outsider who had the courage to ask Are you ok?

I’m thinking about this today off the back of a new campaign launched last week by Wendall Sailor, Rugby player, suicide prevention campaigner for men and ambassador for the R U OK? Foundation which is intent on making this question normal amongst men and encouraging them to talk to each other about what is troubling them, how they feel and hopefully to help prevent suicide in FIFO workers.

http://www.roxbydownssun.com.au/story/1661353/rugby-star-encourages-workmates-to-ask-r-u-ok/?cs=1503

The troubling reality is that as reported on the LIFELINE website today stats indicate that suicide is the LEADING CAUSE of death in Australia for men under 44 and women under 34.  In addition, men in Australia are four times more likely to die by suicide than women.

This is a crisis not only for FIFO workers but for all Australians men and women.

http://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/

R U OK? is running a national R U OK? day on THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 21 to raise awareness around issues of men speaking out and suicide prevention. What can we do to change the conversation and get men talking about what is important to them? Can you organize a something, a coffee, an event, a talk fest, a free lunch, a comic look at the issue for R U OK? day?

https://www.ruokday.com/

Perhaps we can all commit to ask someone each day are you OK? Perhaps we can change a conversation in Australia around men and self expression – from one that looks something like “Australian men don’t talk about their feelings, issues or problems”  and create a new one that looks something like…

“Aussie men talk about their feelings – that’s a good thing for them and their families”.

Men who begin to talk are often afraid of feelings they are unfamiliar with. They need lots of support, time, love and care but with time men who express their feelings become more fulfilled as individuals, as partners, as fathers, as workers and as friends.

Have you begun to ask R U OK? Can you get the conversation started in your family, community, workplace or industry that shifts a story men have accepted for generations and helps to create a new, kind of Aussie man who talks freely about what is important to him? Let me know what has worked for you and your nearest and dearest.

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When are industry standards going to extend to FIFO?

We have industry standards for so many things so when will government and industry get together and mandate for some industry standards in the workplaces where mobility is essential? Will mandating for industry standards actually assist FIFO workers and their families to discuss and plan for the tricky issues that crop up in all families but that seem to be exacerbated in the FIFO/DIDO family relationships?  Can industry and government work with stake holders and FIFO support organisations like FIFOfamilies to design, educate and manage the changes that introduction of such standards would demand?

As FIFO becomes the work practice of more Australian’s across more sectors the need for these industry standards becomes more urgent. In 2010 Dr Anne Sibbel made the recommendations listed below in the findings section of her PHD thesis at Edith Cowan University WA. This important research is one of only a few resent research projects looking at FIFO and relationships. It dispels a lot of myths constantly being repeated in the media about FIFO workers and their families.

Living FIFO:
The Experiences and Psychosocial Well being of Western Australian
Fly-in/fly-out Employees and Partners . Dr Anne Sibbel.

In chapter 8 future directions and final words she notes the following:

“However, there are no whole-of-industry standards
that guide or mandate the extent to which individual companies implement such support
practices. As discussed in the previous chapter, the degree of support provided by
companies to the FIFO employees and their families is dependent on various company
related factors such as size, profitability and location of the mine, individual
manager/supervisor practices and each company’s philosophy and commitment to work
practices relating to the work/family interface. Many Australian families will continue to
choose the FIFO lifestyle, thus it is recommended that the resources sector representative
bodies, for example the Minerals Council of Australia (MCA), develop a set of best
practice guidelines that individual companies can use as a benchmark to guide and evaluate
the development and implementation of practices and policies that best support the
well being of their FIFO employees and their families. Similar guidelines have been
successfully developed to direct resource companies’ best practice in areas such as the
employment of women (CMEWA, 2008b) and Indigenous workers in the sector (Centre
for Social Responsibility in Mining [CSRM], 2006), and thus set a precedence for
developing a similar benchmark for FIFO employment. Companies could then use these
best practice guidelines to provide regular training for supervisors and managers on the
effectively managing and working with FIFO workforces.”

Earlier discussions in her findings suggest these desired guidelines would ensure that all new FIFO employees and their families are given information that acknowledges the issues that are associated with the FIFO lifestyle. This information can then be used to assist and or support families  to successfully incorporate the changes in their relationship, family, parenting and home life that the FIFO work practice necessitates.

What has been your experience of the support/standards/guidelines provided by your company to FIFO workers and their families? Has there been any and if so did they help?

This issue relates to the focus of the moment which is FIFO and relationships. Abby Chapman’s research survey once again hit the news this week calling for more participants to talk about FIFO and their relationship.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-07-22/survey-probes-fifo-impacts-on-families/4834512?section=qld

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Relationships – how they work – or why they don’t

It’s wonderful to know that more research with a focus on FIFO and it’s impact on personal relationships is being conducted. This week a survey has been established to collect data from both the FIFO worker and the FIFO partner about the intimacies of their relationship.

Yes.. that being the good the bad and the ugly. Once collated this research will be used by Central Queensland University’s Amy Chapman, to write an honour’s thesis on the impact of FIFO/DIDO work practices on intimate relationships.

Looking at relationships and how they work or why they don’t is a welcome focus for FIFO research and an essential topic that needs to be further explored as FIFO work place practices expand across industries. This relationship debate is equally relevant in the broader community as many people now tend to work longer hours and spend less time talking to or being present with their nearest and dearest.

I’m sure the findings of Amy’s research will shed light on the complex issue of modern relationships where couples and increasingly the kids – juggle work, family, social, sporting and intellectual pursuits simultaneously.

It’s my hunch that the issue of not being present to our beloved, the lack of dedicated time, space and scheduled practices around relationship will be the underlying cause of many of the relationship issues that surface in FIFO and non FIFO relationships today.

If you would like to participate in Central Queensland University’s survey on FIFO/DIDO relationships check out these links.

http://www.gladstoneobserver.com.au/news/how-does-fifo-affect-family/1942837/

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/FIFODIDOemployeeandpartner

So, what do you think makes your relationship work? How have you navigated the tricky path to creating a relationship where both FIFO worker and FIFO partner at home feel loved, valued and supported? What is the single most effective way you keep your relationship on track?

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the fly in fly out bit

This week I have spent a lot of time traveling interstate.  This travel has led me to think about the traveling part of the fly in and fly out lifestyle and as I spent hours and hours commuting, waiting for flights, trains and at times being delayed by both I began to look around me to see what everyone was doing with all this “spare” time. For the most part there was a lot of talking on the telephone, working at screens, eating and reading of books. The reading ranged from the daily newspapers at one end to the deep and meaningful books at the other. My own offering was on the deep and meaningful end. I am reading a fascinating study of change written by Australian, Les Robinson. It’s called Changeology: how to enable groups, communities, and societies to do things they’ve never done before. –  Worth checking out Les’ blog site about all things change related:

http://changeologyblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/13/changeology-how-to-enable-groups-communities/

The final leg of my travel was a much delayed flight from Brisbane to Melbourne which had a large contingent of FIFO workers on board. It turns out that I was sitting next to one and for much of the flight home we talked about all things FIFO and the actual travel part. The anecdotal research I present today was as powerful as anything I have read on the subject as it came from a man who has been working the FIFO life for over 20 years.

Working a 28/9 roster building a gas pipeline in remote far north Queensland my companion in the tight Virgin seats was on day 1 of his 9 days off! His day had started at 3am when he woke to board the bus at 4 am for a 3 hour drive into Rockhampton. Once there it was a flight from Rockhampton to Brisbane and then finally a connection on to Melbourne. As we touched down in Melbourne the poor man had been traveling for 10 hours and still had another 1 hour to go before he reached his home!

He was a calm, serene man who was happy to share his story and his insights into the traveling part of the FIFO work/life practice. He had begun his FIFO life in another country that had a 11 month on 1 month off roster and after two years of this life he migrated to Australia with his young family and began to work a much more family friendly roster. Having worked constantly ever since on a average of 28/7-9 roster he’d had many years to workout all aspects of FIFO life to come up with the process or philosophy he said he always followed.

In relation to the travel part of his FIFO job his process was gloriously simple! He said he did nothing! For an average of 10 hours each shift change he said he chose to do nothing but chill out!

He said he just relaxed, dozed now and then and although he agreed that yes it was a long time to be traveling he also thought that the travel time gave him time to unwind, clear out his mind, think about his wife , his son, plan outings for home and think about things this couple of 23 years would do together in the 7 days he got to spend with her. He wasn’t reading, writing notes or eating he was practicing calmness. He was getting himself ready to be open, stress free, available and present  for his wife who he said would leave work early to collect him from the airport . He said he liked that she still wanted to collect him and he thought the travel gave him time to free his mind to be ready to be with her and leave everything else behind.

It seems that sometimes doing nothing is more powerful in the long run than doing something.

So what do you or your beloved do to deal with the actual fly in fly out bit? What practices or processes do the FIFO workers you know use to leave the job behind and get ready for home, family and relationship?

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FIFO and the sex workers

To be honest I think this is a tricky one! So with my heart in my hand I’m going to tackle a subject that may be a little uncomfortable for some. In recent days there has been much talk about the “working girls” who are providing personal services for FIFO workers across Australia. The report in this week’s Huffington Post among others

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/28/australia-innkeepers-fight-to-refuse-prostitutes_n_3516292.html

highlights some really important issues that as adults we should be able to talk about without screaming, discriminating or legislating.

Firstly, the most important issue raised in the article was that these women (let’s set aside their profession) are also FIFO workers. Most have families that they leave behind, many have dependent children and for quite a few the decision to undertake their FIFO work practice was in fact quite a complex one.

Secondly, who are we to judge them? What right do some in the media and hotel management industry have to say that these working women are Not ok? Not welcome and Not providing a necessary and essential service?

Thirdly, the Huffingtonpost correctly reminds us that the personal services being offered by the “working” women are legal and hugely in demand in not only the mining communities in question but also in the cities where most people live.  The rather indignant Hotel Manager cited states clearly that the working women and the men who visit them are polite, conservatively well dressed and highly respectful of everyone around them. This gracious admission leads me to pose the question WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF ANYONE ELSE’S WHAT TWO ADULTS ARE DOING CONSENSUALLY IN A ROOM THAT HAS BEEN PAID FOR?

Are hotel managers and reception staff the new keepers of the moral code in FIFO households, workplaces or regional and remote Australia? Are adult men and women who choose to use the services of a personal service provider any worse than the millions of people who download and use porn daily? The issue of porn usage and the FIFO worker was discussed openly in a recent FIFO families forum with some very interesting commentary.

https://fifofamilies.worldsecuresystems.com/ForumRetrieve.aspx?ForumID=694&TopicID=12973&NoTemplate=False

This whole discussion reminded me of an incident that happened a long time ago when I lived in Tom Price, a residential mining town in the Pilbara and was invited by my then husband to attend a strip night. I went, stood in the corner laughed a lot, took some mental notes that are etched in my head forever and generally felt like I understood my man and the hundreds of men in the room a little better than I did before I walked in the door.

What I saw that night taught me something I could never have learned from a book, a TV program or personal discussion. The “working girls/dancers/ strippers” gave the hundreds of men in the room that night something they needed, something they wanted and something the men were happy to pay for and – those men loved them for giving them what they wanted – they were laughing, screaming and whooping like preschool children at the joy of just being allowed to be tittivated and sexual in the company of their friends.  Did they hurt anyone? No! Did it ruin marriages? I’d suggest not? Did it release tension, frustration and fill them with simple pleasure? I think so!

Should functions like that be stopped or should partners talk to each other and accept each others’ need to be sexual while away and be in relationship?

Back to the FIFO debate and knowing that workers are away from their significant others for 2 or even up to 4 weeks at a time it’s hardly surprising that “sex workers” are present in FIFO areas. Is that wrong? Is it right? Perhaps it’s neither. Perhaps there is no right and wrong in the arena of human sexual behaviour between consenting adults.

I am left with questions about what is happening when a culture cannot accept that abstaining from intimate, sexual behaviors for extended periods of time is, for many healthy decent people, totally unacceptable and totally unnecessary. How do any outsiders, hotel managers, city councilors or other moral judges know what private agreements people inside a relationship or marriage have made with each other about their sexual needs? Whose business is it anyway to ask? Certainly in my view not the hotel managers that’s a given and not the city councilors who are trying to impose moral, social and sexual standards on adult workers and their behaviours. So who do you think should be talking about this issue and with whom? What is your view? Do you think the discussion about Sex workers in FIFO communities is a discussion for politicians, business managers and moralists or should it be left to the individual people living inside FIFO relationships?

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